KEYFRAME

“I think I finally get it now,” I mumbled to him after lunch, fingers still greasy from the fries we shared.

I was caught in denial, too scared to even verbalise the thought running through my head. “I love you so much, but I need to love myself more,” I whispered so faintly I barely even caught a word. 

He slowly peeled his eyes away from the burger in his hands and looked towards me, nodding in agreement. “You do,” he replied softly. “You put everyone else above yourself, and it’s not sustainable.”

Lunch was an affair that went by incredibly slowly. At first, we agreed on coffee, but then we drove by the burger joint we adored and couldn’t resist stopping. We picked up some double smashed cheeseburgers along with some Topo Chicos and ate by the curb of the parking lot. This was our first time seeing each other since he left New York early. Our travels didn’t exactly go as planned, but we haven’t yet come to a mutual decision. Stuck in limbo, we only met up so he could help me move into my new apartment.

Seeing him show up for me was comforting, but his presence simultaneously felt strange. He was arguably his old self: kind, patient, and gentle, but he seemed so miserable and uncomfortable that it made me feel out of place. He paced back and forth and shook his legs out of anxiety. He felt so foreign that reality finally hit me. Our relationship was truly ending as I felt more in love with my recollection of him than the person standing in front of me. It was as if our romance had suddenly died overnight, and the person I've called mine for the last two and a half years simply became an old friend I grew accustomed to. How did we get here?

That afternoon after our brief meet-up, I sat in my empty apartment with a sharpie in hand and a pile of notes scattered, trying to pinpoint our divergence. Was it on the drive back from Big Bear in April when we couldn’t agree on how much space we wanted individually? Or was it at the Vegas concert late July when we couldn’t align our priorities? Caught in bewilderment, I spiralled into the pits of despair, dissecting my relationship like cells under a microscope. I always knew that we weren’t perfect. But our personalities were extremely compatible, and we both worked relentlessly towards building this relationship. So at what point did love slip through our fingers, leaving me feeling completely disconnected?

Buried in my scribbles and tangled in my brainstorm, I was determined to get to the bottom and eliminate the common denominator. Yet it didn't take long before it finally dawned on me that recently, I’ve outgrown many things in my life… I was the one who was changing. Unknowingly, I’ve become a different person. I’ve just graduated from university, moved out of student housing, and signed my first adult apartment. Grad school was around the corner, and there were so many exciting dreams to chase after. Slowly but surely, I began a new journey building a life I could finally call my own. I was discovering myself as a young adult independent of what I’ve previously known. And admittedly, my perspectives were shifting – I could no longer pretend otherwise.

Change was happening rapidly, but my environment had yet to fully reflect my metamorphosis. Thus the homes I once built within people could no longer contain me, no matter how relentlessly I fought to stay anchored.

It’s an unsettling feeling, really. When so much uncertainty looms ahead, and so few constants keep you grounded. While change can be powerful and exciting, when all things change at once, the process can be devastating. It can wipe away what we’ve previously held as dogma and plunge us into deep oblivion. Dauntingly, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. But I suddenly started to feel uncomfortable and confined in what was familiar.

I wasn’t happy with the present, but I was also too scared to seek more because it meant forsaking my identity and leaving on my own. So in attempts to prolong the illusion of fulfilment, I ignored my intuition. Yet, for countless nights, I lay sleepless next to him, wondering if this was all my life would be. Could I even ask for more? Was I too insatiable? He was someone so brilliantly spectacular, and we had planned a New York dream together… Still, I couldn’t shake the anxiety that rested on my chest like a gentle suffocation. I couldn’t keep dismissing the incredible underwhelm I experienced, no matter how deeply I resisted parting ways.

I couldn’t see it then, and I can still barely see it now. But it the only way forward was alone. My immediate future only had enough space for one, and no matter how small I shrunk to make room for the both of us, the opportunities didn’t budge. To my dismay, change didn’t come in pairs. My options boiled down to either making myself invisible to better accommodate him or advancing forward and figuring out who I was independent of him. The choice lay between him and me – and truth to be told, I’ve never been great at choosing myself.

That afternoon as I stared into the sunset in despair, he called me, and I broke into tears. I was happy to have finally confronted reality, which gnawed at me like a nuisance. But I was also heartbroken because my realisation meant saying goodbye. Knowing what was right for me didn’t make the decision easier. If anything, it made it harder to walk away because I started to worry for him. What would his life be without me? Could anyone support him the way I do? What will he do going forward? Will he be okay when I’m no longer in his orbit?

As anxiety poured over me, he met me halfway and reminded me to put myself first. He always understood me so well and proceeded with great clarity, isolating emotion from situation.

“Put yourself first,” he reminded me. “You deserve better,” he murmured with a heartfelt smile and crestfallen eyes. “There is a whole new life waiting ahead, so don’t let me keep you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more.”

His love for me was truly undeniable. But he also understood the importance of putting my best interest first. After all, there was no point in keeping me if all I desired was a love he could not provide. While we dreamed of a radiant life together, it was time to let go of what was familiar and make space for new. There are so many people we’ve yet to meet and so many more opportunities waiting to be seized. We can’t keep hindering each other in the name of love – we can’t make a cage out of something so beautiful.

The future terrifies me, but I refuse to remain a fugitive of the past. I can no longer circumvent tomorrow only to exist in yesterday. There’s so much more I desire to become, and progress can only happen with change. My heart flutters with anticipation for what’s to come and throbs with nostalgia for the present I will soon forsake. But despite all the sadness, I also felt utmost peace for the first time in forever. I found freedom in putting myself first, and I was beyond grateful to have his full support.

For the rest of the afternoon, I made small lists for the future and reflected on the past with immense gratitude. He truly loves me so deeply, and I was once again reminded why I fell in love in the first place. Through time, we’ve changed, and our love, too, has changed. But that doesn’t negate our devotion towards one another. We will forever be each other’s biggest cheerleaders, rooting for our utmost success. So with gratitude, I release the past and look towards a future full of brand-new beginnings.

xx